It is the emotional support that our daughters need
Let me start by putting to you these facts:
1. At puberty, the biophysiological events in the human body prime the person to become interested in sex, love and romance
2. It is normal for adolescents from the age of 10 years to engage in lower-level sexual behaviours and progressively in higher-level sexual behaviours as they grow up
3. During the adolescence phase of human development, adolescents are most in need of parental support to develop the skills to navigate sexual relationships and meanwhile maintain sexual health and wellbeing
But, one of the most important challenges that girls face is how parents deal with their developing interest in romance. Let me illustrate this with a true story about what happened to a girl in my village in Dedza District.
Parents beat their daughter because of love
This girl was about 14 or 15. Her parents noted that she would sometimes disappear from home without saying where she went. They suspected that she had a boyfriend. They confronted her about her 'strange' disappearing acts, and she admitted she was seeing a boy. The parents told her they did not want her to have a boyfriend; she was too young to be married, they said. She was told to stop seeing the boy. But she did not.
One day when she came back home late, her mother and aunties were waiting for her. When she confirmed that she was coming from seeing her boyfriend, she was given a thorough beating. She run away from home, and went 'missing' for a few days. On conducting a village search, she was found to be taking refuge at her boyfriend's home.
The norm for girls
This story, unfortunately, is not uncommon. I have heard cases of parents slapping their daughter because she was texting a boy. It is the norm in this part of the world that girls learn to hide their romantic interests. In some cases, parents have refused to support their daughter's education because she has a boyfriend.
The parental logic
There is a logic behind the parents' understanding of adolescent sexuality. If the girl gets a boyfriend, she will have sex. If she will have sex, she will be pregnant before she marries. Getting pregnant outside marriage is not acceptable. Therefore, a girl should not have a boyfriend.
I have heard parents tell their daughters that if they want sex, they should leave home and get married, otherwise, they should not have a boyfriend. From the perspective of parents in the traditional setting, it is better for their child to get married even at a young age, than to engage in premarital sex.
The challenge for the girl
Now, refer to fact number 1 above, that at puberty, the changes in the body make the adolescent interested in sex and romance. But now parents repress these interests by prohibiting any sexual behaviour. I am a parent too, so I do understand parental concerns. We want to protect our girls, don't we? But how do we protect our girls taking into account the natural processes of puberty?
Emotional support
Rather than the beating, scolding, angry reaction or whatever means parents use to deny the sexual identity, repress sexual behaviour or oppress their daughter, emotional support is the best approach, according to the science of adolescence. In an earlier post, I mentioned that scientists of adolescent development are saying that parental emotional support plays a critical role in encouraging adolescents to delay sex and make positive choices about relationships.
A window for skills-building
Parents must accept that their daughters will develop romantic interests and seek out relationships. Girls must feel that it is okay to have those feelings and thoughts about romance. They should not feel scared to share these with their parents. They should trust that their parents will respond with love and care.
Parents must provide the necessary support to help their daughters develop relationship skills. These are the same skills they will rely upon to navigate and negotiate their adult relationships. If parents do not have these skills, then better ensure that the adolescent learns these from whoever can teach them.