It is masturbation month yaay! Let us talk masturbation.

The month of May is masturbation month! I did not know this until a few weeks ago. This month I was invited to give a talk on young people and mental health concerning sexual and reproductive health and rights at the African Union’s Youth Pre – STC conference. I was asked to express what was my vision for Africa in the next five years, and this is what I said:

In the next five years, Africa should become more comfortable talking openly and positively about sex and sexuality with adolescents and young people.

I must admit that by the time these words were coming out of my mouth, I was still thinking about whether I had been wise to pick this response. But when I did, I stood by my decision. Yes, we must discuss sex and sexuality more openly, transparently, and positively with young people. It must become normal in the home, school, and clinic. What could test this attitude if not talking about masturbation with adolescents?

Masturbation, like many other topics on sexuality on the African continent, is shrouded in shame and secrecy. Raising this topic with anyone (except drinking buddies 🙂) is challenging for adults. It is most painfully difficult for parents or adults to discuss with adolescents. I pause here to reminisce about my own growing up. Where did I first learn or know about masturbation?

I remember it was in primary school, at a Catholic seminary, when I was between 9 and 11. I am sure my parents would be blushing in their graves that they know this now. In primary school, we talked a lot about sex, and some of my friends taught me to masturbate. Boom! The cat is out of the bag. But I am sure this was also the experience of many others. The school, especially the boarding school, is a very fertile ground for education about sex and sexuality. I mean the informal and extracurricular, not the sometimes uninteresting formal stuff on the curriculum that avoids discussing what adolescents are really interested in. So, even if there is a deafening silence in Africa about masturbation, many adolescents learn, talk about, and will indulge in masturbation.

You probably are wondering where I am going with this. Is not masturbation a bad thing? For adolescents? For married people? Is it not immoral? Well, let us walk together here if we may. Let us start with defining masturbation. There are plenty of definitions, but I think of it as sexual self-pleasuring by stimulating the parts of our body that do it for us. Masturbation may lead to orgasm, of course (that is the point), ending up with the release of semen or vaginal contractions or however, your body behaves when it reaches the climax.

Historically, society has discouraged masturbation by creating negative myths around it. I will not go into that much. I probably would just be rumbling about what most people already know. These myths, however, have not stopped people from learning to masturbate and indulging in it.

A more positive question is: Is masturbation healthy or not? My research has revealed that masturbation can benefit physical and mental health. It is one of the safest methods of enjoying sexual pleasure without the risk of pregnancy or contracting a sexually transmitted infection. The body also physically releases those chemicals that make us feel good. Yea.

Can masturbation be unhealthy? Well, can eating your favourite food be unhealthy? My point is masturbation is not intrinsically harmful, just like good food, work, or whatever else we like to do. But if what do we becomes an addiction, then the problem is not the masturbation, the food, or the work. We can be addicted to anything, and masturbation is not the most addictive thing on earth.

Can married people masturbate? Of course, and they do. Is it not selfish? Well, what is the problem with self-love? But I must admit that it may be challenging for spouses or intimate partners to talk about masturbation for fear that it would raise, ‘maybe you like your body more than mine’ or similar kinds of conversations. But this need not be the case. Self-love can also benefit our relationships with our spouse or intimate partner. Masturbation can teach us how we want our spouse or partner to pleasure us. It should be better than not to discuss this with our partner. Again, I am saying that masturbation is not intrinsically bad for partners or people in a relationship. It is probably the negative attitude towards masturbation that is potentially harmful to relationships, not the masturbation itself. Change that attitude, and then what we thought was a problem is not!

How about masturbation and religion? This is the morality zone and it would require an in-depth discussion I do not have space for in this post. It suffices to acknowledge that in most religions, masturbation would be considered immoral. However, this does not prevent people, even those whose values are shaped by religion, from indulging in sexual self-pleasuring. The shame and guilt this generates, because of the conflict between behaviour and religious values, is probably the most critical issue people who masturbate have to deal with.

But when it comes to adolescents, we deal with a slightly different kind of challenge. Adolescence is the phase of sexual awakening. Hormonal and physiological changes that occur contribute to adolescents' increased curiosity about their bodies. Adolescents want to know and experience stuff. And they will explore, and think about or even try out some sexual self-pleasuring. As I said, I learned a lot about masturbation in the seminary before I turned 12.

So now, how should we talk about masturbation to our adolescents? Tough one, right!? Most adults and parents would avoid such a conversation with adolescents. We hope this will pass them by, or that they will figure it out themselves. Most of the time adults moralise the topic and punish anyone who does not abide by the moral standards. But young people are getting bolder these days. What if one day this question comes to us, “Mum, what is masturbation? ” If we were hoping this is when the ground will open and swallow us away from our daughter, we will probably find that the earth is faithfully solid. To refuse to respond or take some evasive action would not be fair to the adolescent. How, then, could we address this? I offer no prescription, but I suggest the approach. Moralising the response may not be the best approach for the adolescent. Even if we subscribe to religious values, we do not need to portray masturbation as intrinsically evil. This would only contribute to producing toxic shame and guilt. After all, those who pursue the religious value of fasting, for instance, do not do so because the food is bad or they do not like it. The value of fasting is precisely because the food is good!

One reason for avoiding open and transparent conversations about sex is that parents or adults fear it would encourage adolescents to have sex. As I have discussed in an earlier blog, the scientific evidence is to the contrary. Talking about sex with adolescents in the context of a positive relationship with parents has been shown to delay sexual debut. I would also think that discussing masturbation positively with adolescents will not turn them into masturbation addicts or immoral people.

Now, if the question does not come to you, the adolescent may be having that conversation with someone else. Today with the information highway, adolescents can just read about it online. However, there is value in having a heart-to-heart discussion with adolescents, even if they might get the information from elsewhere. The positive relationship between the parent and child and in which the discussion about sex takes place makes a vital contribution to the sexual and reproductive mental health of the adolescent.