Is there male and female sexual desire?

We are socialised to believe that men are hardwired to pursue their sexual desire and that inevitably it drives them to pursue the objects of that desire - women. We are made to believe this is the nature of male sexual desire. It justifies that men do the pursuing and wooing. It also explains other stuff beyond that, for example, that married men can fantasise about and pursue other women. The thing is that male sexual desire is difficult to contain. Men have to try and discipline their sexual desire because when it reigns free, havoc ensues.

But can men contain their sexual desire? It appears that the answer to this question is not a simple yes, they can, or no, they cannot. Instead, I will appeal to what we observe in our societies. What we see is that it is the woman who is responsible for containing male sexual desire. I know this may not sound right, but that is how it works, naturally. Do we not know that when a married man's sexual desire goes wild, people tend to question what is happening to the woman who is supposed to contain her man? Women are the gatekeepers of male sexual desire.

If women are gatekeepers of male desire, what kind of sexual desire do they have? It is certainly not the same as male desire. Women's desire is passive. Unlike male desire, it does not pursue. Rather, it waits upon the man to stimulate it into action. This is why women typically do not pursue and woo men. This is simply nature. Could this perhaps explain why society forgives men for infidelity, but not easily forgive women who are unfaithful to their husbands. People say stuff like, 'Oh when a man has sex with some woman, it is just the drive, it is not love, but when a woman has sex with some man, she is dangerous because that means she loves him.'

[As you are reading you might think to yourself, hmm, I am not like the male or female you describe here. Well, I am happy to let you be the exception 😉.]

Now, there is an interesting twist to things. While women's sexual desire is passive, it needs to be kept in check because when it is roused and not contained, it could become more dangerous than the man's. This is why we must keep women under lock and key because once their desire goes wild, it can wreak havoc uncomparable to male desire. It is when female sexual desire runs amok that marriages break down. Ask yourself how many marriages have collapsed because of the man’s infidelity. Then how about those that have ended because of woman’s infidelity? Therefore, society will police women more harshly because society would break down if it fails to contain wayward female sexual desire. We tell our girl kids from when they are very young that they should manage their sexual desire. We do not say the same to our boy kids because we know that ‘boys will be boys.’

But, there is yet another twist. What about women who commercialise sexual desire? I think the correct language is selling sex. Why does society 'allow' these women space? I read someone's work long ago, I have forgotten the source, he had an interesting view. He said a patriarchal society needs women who sell sex because they also help to contain male sexual desire. However, their status is relegated to the 'unrespectable.' They are allowed to be there to do the mopping up of spillovers. But patriarchy makes sure they do not have any power beyond that. This is why their existence does not threaten the breakdown of society because they are controlled by the males to who they sell sex. However, they pay the price because they cannot be at the same level as the respectable gatekeepers operating under the lock and key of marriage.

But you know what, I think we make all this up. All this talk and way of doing things that imagines that there is male and female sexual desire is a farce. I bet if we investigated this matter, we might find that men and women are not wired differently at all. I think that if we asked men and women to talk about their feelings, desires and fantasies, we would discover that married women are pretty much like their husbands. Married women can have wild sexual fantasies too. Maybe even as they sleep alongside their husband, they may have dreams and fantasies about other men. Maybe we should not talk about this.