My daily prayer

I have been going through some rough patches in my life. I look okay on the outside but am pretty much a broken fella inside. I grew up in a religious family (Catholic) and went to the seminary too. Some of my challenges trace way back to the seminary when I was 10 years old or thereabouts when I was first told that sex is the worst sin, and girls (and women) are tempters every seminarian must avoid to make it to the holy orders. (By the way, I always talk about this experience a lot).

Yet, in the same Catholic church, but a different seminary, I learned that these ideas impressed on me at this formative age were just nonsense. That confused me because... what the f@#k was happening here!

Down the track, I realised I still carried shame and fear around sex and sexuality from my formative years. I wonder whether this contributed to my ferociously pursuing my PhD in sexual and reproductive justice. I just happen to teach a module on adolescent sexuality at a university 😉. However, I carry some demons of shame and fear, and I can behave in ways that are rather selfish and 'unkind'. Fighting these demons is very tiresome, and sometimes I just wanna give up.

I do not pray that much anymore, but I am beginning to think, perhaps praying about it is not a bad idea. So I made up a prayer am considering I should offer everyday. It goes like this:

“Lord, today, I would like to be kind to myself and to others. But I do have my flaws. I am aware of the shame that makes me feel I am not good enough, that I do not deserve the good things in life. I am also aware of the fear that prevents me from being my best to myself and to others. I cannot just do away with this shame and fear, nor can I fight them by myself. Help me Lord to maintain a strong awareness of my dreams, feelings, my hopes and desires, but also my pain and frustrations throughout this day. And then through my struggles, allow me to find you.”

Honestly, I am not sure if I am gonna pray it. But I need to commit to something, to life, to love. Eventually, this is what sexuality (not just sex) is, the yearning for something more than the physical. I believe Foucault may disagree with this thinking, but this is now about my faith, not just reason.

So, let us pray.