Delaying teen sexual debut

As a parent, I share with other parents the hope that our teenager does not start to engage in sexual intercourse too soon. But the billion Kwacha question is how do we assist teens in delaying sex? In this blog, I discuss how parents could approach this project.

Introduction

One time, after a meeting where I talked about adolescent sexuality, a young lady approached me to share her experience of her relationship with her mom. She told me that her mother had been frank with her about sexual matters when she was growing up. She was even comfortable telling her mother when she decided to have sex with her boyfriend. I remember thinking about how unusual this was in our Malawian context. It is un-Malawian for parents to be open to their children about sex to the extent of the child telling the parents about their first sexual experience. It is not only un-Malawian, but also un-African, and probably un-so many other countries and communities.

My parents never talked to me about sex. I largely figured it out myself. I admit it was not a smooth ride. I made some mistakes I would probably have avoided if I had had an honest talk about sexual relationships with my parents or significant adults. I was an adolescent in the 1990s. Unfortunately, sex was still much more taboo during this time, and HIV/AIDS had not yet scared us into discussing condoms. I believe my parents knew that I was probably having sex. I mean, I was in college, and I had a girlfriend. And in this patriarchal society, there is so much pressure on boys to live the masculinity ideal that to prove you are a man, you must have sex.

The gold standard - no sex until marriage

The gold standard about when it is proper to have sex is: no sex until marriage. Most parents in Malawi probably communicate this idea to their children. The gold standard worked well when there was no 'adolescence'. In traditional Malawi, when a girl has her first menses, she is deemed mature, counselled, and readied for marriage. Girls would be married off shortly after attaining puberty. A girl transitions from being a child to being a woman without the intervening period of adolescence.

For the boy, it is different. The maturity test is less concerned with the newly attained procreative capabilities at puberty but the demonstration that he could provide for the family. The boy would deserve a girl to marry only after proving himself a capable hunter, farmer, or acquiring some skill or craft. So boys tended to marry at an older age than girls.

The gold standard of no sex until marriage makes sense in the traditional setting where child marriage is not an issue. But in contemporary times, the school brought to light the period of adolescence. Parents who invest in educating their child must contend with adolescence, that is, the age range between 10 and 19. During adolescence, the young person is in school and, if successful, goes on to post-secondary school education and training. That extends the time between puberty and marriage.

Parenting styles to delay teen sex

Delaying sex is a good idea. Let me put it in the negative; starting to have sex too early is a bad idea. I will not go into justifying this position because the focus of this blog is on how to encourage our teens to delay sex. Though parents wish their teens could postpone sex until they are older or mature, they may have challenges communicating this idea to their teens because it is difficult to talk about sex openly and honestly in our cultural context.

Nevertheless, in one way or another, we communicate about sex because even silence is communication. I could categorise parenting styles into three:

1.       Parents who have little or no conversation about sex at all. The silence communicates to the adolescent that sex is not something worth discussing. It renders sex shameful, a non-issue or best shrouded in secrecy.

2.       Parents who talk about sex but emphasise the negatives. Sex is bad at any time except in marriage. Pre-marital sex ends in some calamity; unwanted pregnancy, HIV/AIDS, disease, a bleak future and doom. Sex represents some evil force to be contained.

3.       The third category of parents talks about sex openly and honestly with their children, like the mother of that lady whose story introduced this blog.

I suggest that the third approach is the most helpful for the teen, though it might be the most challenging. What do I mean by communicating about sex to the child? It is not just about talking about sex itself, though it necessarily is part. It is much more. But first, we must appreciate something about adolescence.

Adolescents are curious about sex and love

Let me draw upon a note I posted on delaying sex. I referred to material from Sulieman and others who describe adolescence from the perspective of biology and physiology. I like the very last sentence of their article in which they state:

Adolescents are primed to learn about love and sex, and it would serve all of us to understand this learning process better.

The changes in the brain and the hormones are responsible for bringing about the secondary sexual characteristics we see in puberty. They also influence adolescents to become interested in sex, romance and love. The transformation starts as early as at ten years old. During this period, adolescents are on a steep learning curve about themselves, their bodies, emotions and feelings as they interact with others. Adolescents begin to experience feelings of sexual desire and attraction and sexual arousal. They might, for instance, experience teen crushes or establish puppy love. I still vividly remember my crush when I was 11 years old.

The events unfolding in adolescence are natural and normal. It is the forging of sexual identity. Some parents become anxious and try to control their adolescents so they do not become preoccupied with sex. When parents fail to recognise what is happening to adolescents, avoid talking about sex or only communicate negatively about it, the adolescent may hide their interests and behaviours around sexual matters. Yet, this is a time that adolescents most need parental support to understand what is happening to them. In early adolescence, a window of opportunity opens, and parents must take advantage of this. Ignoring the adolescent's interest in sex, love, and romance is but abandoning adolescents to themselves or others who might not be appropriate guides.

The key is establishing a positive relationship

Now, I should point out that it is not that the teen wants to have sex there and then. No. Perhaps this is what many parents fear, that talking about sex would bring the 'monster' down upon their children. On the contrary, the evidence shows that sex education operates to delay sex. Adolescents will be interested in sex, yes. They will think and talk about it. In this digital world, they will search for it online if they have the opportunity. But still, they are not ready for sex yet, and if no one coerces them into having sex, adolescents will usually not start engaging in sexual conduct just like that.

Interestingly, what delays sex is not talking teens out of it. Instead, having a good relationship or connectedness with our teens is key to delaying sex. Research evidence reveals that parents who have a positive relationship with their teens, including having open and honest conversations about sex, romance and love, contribute to delaying sex for their teens. Parents who encourage the teen to accept their emerging sexual identity and to appreciate that sexual attraction, desire and arousal are a normal part of their being human have a better chance of helping their teen to delay sex.

If not until marriage, then until when?

Until when should we hope teens could delay sex? On the one hand, we have the gold standard –  until marriage. I am not against the gold standard. It would be great if our teens and young people delay sex until marriage. But enforcing this ideal against them can be challenging, especially if the enforcement is likely to involve manipulating our relationship with them so that we cannot have frank conversations with them. I would suggest that teens and young people should delay sex until they are ready for it. But this begs the question, what does ready mean? Should it, perhaps, go by some minimum age of consent? There may not be a straightforward answer. However, I will suggest this response: One should not engage in sex until they have a cognitive and emotional understanding of sex and can ask for it or say yes to it without too much fear, anxiety, shame or guilt. I am aware that this response may be inadequate. For instance, it may not consider the experience of teens with intellectual disabilities. But for now, l hope parents would agree with me that it would be ideal that by the time our adolescent or young person starts to engage in sex, they at least have attained the emotional maturity to understand the meaning of good sex.

Even when adults prohibit sex, fail to talk about it with adolescents, or talk disparagingly about it to scare them, there will still be a first time for most adolescents, and it could be before marriage. Under these circumstances, the adolescent is unlikely to tell parents they will initiate. The adolescents figure it out through the resources they garner from friends and other sources. Social expectations will also guide them. Boys tend to be spurred on by the pressure to prove masculinity, that boys are boys when they have sex. On the other hand, the girls learn that to be good girls, they must feign modesty and pretend they do not desire sex. It should not surprise us that the first sexual activity for girls in our cultural environment tends to be experienced as something that 'happens' to them rather than an activity over which they had control. With better guidance, that first experience could be a good experience rather than a sorry one.

It is about what matters to the adolescent

Let me recap that delaying teen sex is not about talking teens out of it. It is about relating and connecting to our teens to affirm and validate their sexual identity. This contributes toward their developing self-esteem and confidence in making decisions about their friendships and intimate relationships. Therefore, teens would not delay sex simply because we talked to them about postponing sex. It just does not work that way. Instead, it is about everything that encourages building self-esteem and confidence and empowers teens to trust their decision-making abilities.

All this should make sense, though. A good relationship with anyone involves some degree of openness and transparency of our feelings and thoughts. At puberty, sexual feelings and thoughts, and interest in sex, romance and love are important for the teen. If we never talk about this with our teens and avoid discussing things that matter most to teens, how can we claim that we have a good relationship with them?

Be the great parent you can be and trust the teens will do the right thing

I assert that if a parent cannot talk about sex honestly and openly with their adolescent, something is lacking in that relationship. I would accept to be challenged on my assertion. If some parents out there have a great relationship with their teens without conversing about sex, I still insist it could be even better. Parents who discuss sex, love and romance with their teens will likely have a better relationship with them. They also have a better chance of delaying sex for the teen because it is from such a positive relationship that teens somehow understand how to do the right thing. I sincerely hope our teens and young people will delay sex until marriage or when they are ready.